Moday, October 13, 2013
The door to the Stattons' room closed behind Carol with an uncomfortably loud thud.
We should go outside, suggested Rose. But first, have some food. And you need to be ship-shape for class today.
Her words lacked the richness that had blasted Carol moments earlier.
Carol wasn't in the mood for planning yet.
How did you…? She asked, silently to avoid waking Will. How did you do that?
With only one word, Rose had said so much. If she could really hold that much in her mind at once, how could she claim to be human? Or could humans do it too? Carol almost didn't want to know the answer, either way.
Rose swiveled her head around to peer at Carol, apparently unconcerned that she was in the middle of pouring a kettle of boiling water into two mugs.
How did I do what? the dragon asked with an innocent tone. She kept her gaze fixed on Carol while her hands used a spoon to scoop and stir sugar.
You know what I'm talking about, said Carol, trying to ignore the minor feat unraveling before her eyes. How did you say so much at the same time?
Rose finally returned her gaze to the tea to inspect her handiwork.
Oh, that's not too hard. Any experienced telepath should be able to do it.
Was she sure? Could humans really? Maybe this was another case of Rose assuming humans and dragons were similar.
The open mini-fridge briefly revealed two entire rows of milk cartons before Rose closed the door. Carol wondered too late if she could have helped somehow.
Have you ever heard of the magic number seven? Carol asked.
I'm not sure, said Rose. I don't believe I have.
Humans can only hold about seven things – it's the magic number seven, plus or minus two – in their heads, Carol explained. That felt like way more than seven things.
Which would imply? asked Rose, presenting Carol with a steaming cup of tea.
You're really… smart, said Carol, accepting the cup. Hot. Rose narrowed her eyes, so Carol continued. Maybe you don't think you are, and growing up with humans you haven't reached your full potential or something. You said that was easy?
I said it wasn't too hard. And I'm sure William or my parents could do even better. I think I see the source of your confusion.
Which is? asked Carol.
Maybe we only consciously remember so many things, but the unconscious mind is much more powerful, isn't it? Rose asked.
It is, but… You mean you sent me that unconsciously?
All I had to do was identify each part and verify that it was what I wanted to send, Rose explained. Then you simply hold the pieces together and send them all at once!
And that's not hard?
Awareness of our thoughts becomes easier with the kind of meditation we do. You'll start becoming quite aware of your own attention, said Rose. She must have caught Carol's stare, because she continued, I may have also been flexing a little. What do you think?
It's amazing, Carol admitted. So much data had been transmitted, practically simultaneously. Unraveling the data had taken some time but, on second thought, had it really? The moment Carol had heard the word, she had understood the feeling of it. As far as she knew, sentences in her own brain didn't even work like that. She still had to think the words sequentially for her inner voice to work. And we can already do it across our connection. Is that what you're teaching me today?
You won't be able to do it that well for a while, no offense, said Rose. We could try, if you wanted, but I had some other things planned for today.
Carol winced. What things?
We can talk about our feelings! said Rose. How is the tea, by the way?
Still too hot, said Carol. So you're not mad at me?
I was worried about you, but I sensed from your reaction a minute ago that you had come to some meaningful conclusion this weekend. If you would like to just talk, we can. Special lessons are only as necessary as you want them to be.
Um, yeah actually it was about that, said Carol. I'm not stupid, I know that I acted like I would be a good student and now I keep flinching away whenever you approach certain topics. My feelings, I guess. But I don't have to. Or, at least I could be honest about it.
Rose waited to make sure Carol was finished.
You keep putting yourself further outside your comfort zone, said the dragon, sipping at her own piping tea. Is there a reason you want to go this far?
Carol couldn't remember a particular reason, other than impatience. That and her upcoming meeting about telepathy with Collins, but that wasn't worth talking about.
Have you ever swum? she asked, trying to make Rose understand that this was going somewhere. Actually, can you?
Yes, and yes.
I guess if you're light enough to fly, um, Carol started. Anyway, when the water is cold, it's best to dive into the deep end, instead of inching in slowly. So I decided that I want to, uh, do that. If you would be willing.
Rose just looked at her, with her almost-human eyes.
What? asked Carol.
That's fantastic! I'm so proud of you. I know that's patronizing, but I am the teacher here. Speaking of, would you prefer I adopt a more maternal or friendly role this morning?
Carol paused. Is it a trick question?
No, I'm very serious. Which do you think you need right now?
I guess a friend? Carol answered. Had that been a cowardly answer?
Good. Rose briefly radiated warmth across the connection. It was the first time she'd explicitly shown Carol an emotion for several days, but it wasn't an unwelcome feeling. Maybe it had been the correct answer.
My brother woke up, said Rose. How about we go outside? Our bench?
Once outside, Carol realized that agreeing to meet there might have been a mistake. It was almost light out already, and anyone would be able to see her conversing with Rose.
Could we meet in the classroom instead? she asked.
Rose paused, just long enough to make Carol regret revealing the reason for asking.
Of course. I'm half-expecting a visitor later in the morning, but they should be able to find us there.
Who? asked Carol.
Hopefully no one, said Rose with a note of finality, so Carol didn't press further. Nobody else is using that room this semester, go figure.
My group is meeting there at night.
Rose stopped and turned towards Carol.
Really? she asked. Interesting.
They resumed walking, but Carol took the bait.
Why is that so interesting?
I didn't know security would let you in. They control that lock remotely.
Oh, said Carol. I met Barry a while back. I guess he trusts me.
I guess, echoed Rose, though Carol got the sense that she was missing something.
Once at the door, Rose waved at a camera in the corner and Carol heard an audible click.
See? asked Rose. She blew a kiss towards the camera and beckoned Carol to open the door.
Carol tried not to act shocked. Her connection to Rose reflexively closed slightly, to avoid any unintentional slippage of emotions. She still had no idea whether that was a thing that could happen.
Being the taller of the two, Carol pushed the door open and turned on the light, but Rose definitely caught her look.
The morning shift dude and I go way back, explained Rose.
Uh, said Carol. What.
I'm kidding. They don't like for me to know who's on duty anyway. That was just 'thank you' in ASL.
Oh, said Carol, laughing audibly. The sound echoed around the empty room. I never learned it, sorry.
No need to apologize. You must have thought I was a weirdo who professes her love to everyone she meets.
Um, yeah, said Carol, trying to laugh it off again. Wow, I guess it wasn't hard to make me think something weird about you. Sorry.
It's alright, said Rose.
They both looked out across the silent room. The clock at the front read 6:07. Carol had no idea what might be in store for the next fifty-three minutes. Thank God her only current symptom of the night before was a headache.
Now what? asked Carol, dreading the response that she knew was coming. Rose would slowly coerce Carol into sharing her feelings, and they would work through why she had felt the need to escape and confront the source of those feelings head on. It was annoyingly predictable, an hour of nothing Carol didn't already know. Couldn't they just fast forward to the end?
Rose's head snapped around and her eyes twinkled.
Now, said the dragon, we were sharing feelings. After that we can move on to more serious material. You first?
Well, at least it was nice of Rose to separate Carol's personal life from telepathy lessons. Carol considered how to describe her situation, given the obvious oncoming lecture.
I've clearly been pretty stressed recently, she said. I don't know. Obviously there's telepathy. And there's your whole thing with changing the world. But my advisor wants to know what I'm going to study, and I've had to put it off. I'm meeting with him tomorrow.
You're studying telepathy?
Yeah. It's too overwhelming. We could study telepathy itself, or use it to study psychology. Or something else, I don't know. Given what I know, we could write several papers already that would be guaranteed to be published. He's interested in animals for some reason. What do you think?
Any research will be good research. I'd advise against studying animals, personally.
I know. I've read, like, every public statement you've made. But you never tried monkeys, or some birds that are really smart. Or octopi or something.
I'm sure someone will at some point, said Rose. She nimbly jumped on the back of a chair and balanced herself. Someone else. Telepathic connections last forever, you know. There's no going back. My cat died a few months ago and I still feel the connection; it's just empty.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
Don't be. With monkeys, it's a risk. If those animals can't understand the difference between themselves and others, the whole thing will have been quite a drain. Believe me.
So what should I do?
Both former options sounded interesting. Beyond that, it's important that you decide to pursue interests on your own. Don't even let your advisor dictate your future.
Oh no, he's cool.
Good, said Rose. She jumped to the back of another chair and looked back at Carol. I'm certain you'll be able to figure that out tonight. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?
I guess, Carol started, Um, I guess I'm kinda scared of terrorists. You told us we should leave, and maybe I should have.
So why did you stay?
Carol wanted to ask if Rose had read her homework, but it hadn't been a real effort anyway.
To make my life mean something, right? Can't you just read my mind and figure out why I'm here? You know the answer.
Rose sighed.
No student should worry about being gunned down in class. I don't know what I can do about that fear. The truth is, people are unpredictable. Events have happened significantly faster than I anticipated, so I'm afraid of the future, too.
I appreciate your honesty, said Carol. Not that it had been what she'd wanted to hear at all. I don't know. I think I'm fine otherwise. I'm sorry if I made you worry about me.
Worrying about you is my job, don't apologize, said Rose. She hopped down to the floor and padded over to Carol. That was good! Shall it be my turn?
Sure, said Carol. That had been fast.
My feeling of the day is, Rose said, pausing for effect, that it feels quite nice talking to you when you aren't pausing to question everything I say.
Carol wasn't sure whether to apologize or thank Rose for that. A stupid, behind-the-times part of her practically squealed – Rose Statton enjoyed her company – but she kept it under wraps. She'd known the fact, but hearing it felt nice.
Um, thanks?
Good. Now that our feelings are out of the way, shall we begin the telepathy lesson? Rose asked. Sit down and close your eyes, like you're meditating. I will too.
Alright. Was she really getting off that easy? Only business from here on? Maybe it was the classic trick, that guilt would be a sufficient punishment on its own. Or maybe Rose really did see her as more of a student than a friend in need of help. What are we doing?
Well, the topic of today's lesson is sharing feelings, said Rose. She stared at Carol, who had yet to close her eyes. What we just did was pitiful in comparison, not that it wasn't a positive experience.
Oh, thought Carol. It was true: her connection to Rose was hardly open at all. She really had no idea how far it could go, but there wasn't a discrete way to experiment. Maybe now they really would dive all the way in.
Alright, close your eyes, said the dragon, and Carol complied. Remember how you thought I was blowing a kiss to the security camera, and you believed I might be insanely naïve and trusting?
Um, yeah, said Carol. A pit formed in her stomach as she felt Rose nudging the connection wider. Carol allowed it to grow, but avoided doing anything proactive.
Wouldn't it be weird if I professed love to you, here and now? asked Rose.
Despite herself, Carol sighed.
Yep, she said, trying to convey the right balance of sarcastic and serious. That would be pretty weird.
Please don't, she thought to herself. She hoped the thought didn't get across the connection, but it was large now. Larger than any she'd experienced before, and steadily growing.
Well, I do love you. Very much, said Rose.
It wasn't a joke, either. The word 'love' poured through the connection. It burned with the same warmth from earlier and some longing that, despite Carol's prior revelations, made her feel uncomfortable. The feeling was already strong, and it kept burning brighter with time.
Stop that, Carol said. The fire died down to a rumble.
I know, I know. I'm a huge celebrity, and I'm not human, and you're insecure. None of that matters at all versus honesty. The honest truth is I tend to love people the way they might love puppies. I hope it's not patronizing; you're just adorable and so well meaning.
Thats… Carol faltered, struggling to explain the problem. It was patronizing. And besides that, Rose might be smart, but she was young, and alien. I think you might be a little too trusting.
What I did would be abnormal for a human, yes, but is it so bad? Are you uncomfortable? asked Rose.
No. Yes. But, I'm sorry for asking this, do you understand why humans don't really say that to each other so often?
I do. And I am in a rare position where I can make that kind of claim with confidence. That doesn't, however, mean there isn't something I've missed, or can't see.
Yeah, said Carol. She glanced at the clock again. How much time would be allocated to feelings crossing the other direction? But before that, she had to articulate at least why what Rose had done felt wrong.
Have you heard of the prisoner's dilemma? asked Rose. The apparent non-sequitor caught Carol off guard.
We talked about it in my econ class in high school, she replied.
If there were a crowd of people playing the prisoner's dilemma with random strangers, say ten times per stranger, or more. If everyone is good and friendly by default, how should they act?
They should all be nice, or whatever the term was. Collaborate?
That's right. But what if the strangers might not be nice?
Yes! said Carol. Thank you, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Is it? asked Rose, genuine confusion in her words.
Yeah, because you can't just be nice to everyone when some people might not be trustworthy. But… you're not done yet.
The dragon squinted her eyes.
No. I was going to say that, with uncertainty, the people should adopt a slightly different strategy. Tit for tat. Rose glanced at Carol, searching for recognition. They should first act trusting, but then imitate whatever the other person does.
Rose gave Carol a moment to consider it.
I guess that makes sense. But couldn't the bad people abuse that somehow? Like they lie once, or every other time or something, Carol trailed off, unsure of herself.
It would depend on the exact rules of the game, which we haven't defined well here, said Rose.
So what's your point? We should go around telling everyone we love them?
No, said Rose. It would be nice, but the world isn't a trivial prisoner's dilemma. People don't attend to each other with binary selections. And they can always find ways to cheat.
But with telepathy you can't cheat anymore? Carol guessed.
Not necessarily. My real point is you can do that kind of thing when you're me, said Rose. I'm perfectly comfortable telling you that I have an urge to hug you right now, and that it would be nice and cathartic in conjunction with some more broadcast feelings, but I won't do that because you're sickly and uncomfortable. No, it's not sexual or exclusive or overly distracting. It's a simple fact about my current mental state.
Carol had never expected a friendship with an alien to be straightforward, but she had failed to predict how personal everything would be. In hindsight, maybe it was obvious, with telepathy and all.
She noticed Rose's impatience and tried to explain herself. That's a lot to deal with, sorry.
It was a moot point anyway, since my perceived naiveté is not the true reason you're uncomfortable. It's that you feel the need to reciprocate, of which I am aware, and for which there is no necessity today. I know how you feel about me.
Oh. I'm–
Don't tell me you're sorry. Please, don't ever tell me you're sorry, under any circumstances. So, how has telepathy felt this morning?
Carol was thrown again. How had it felt?
Five by five, she replied. The connection was still wider than ever before. Every word Rose had uttered since opening up burned with fiery purpose and was impossible to misunderstand.
Even now, there was a good chance Rose had never heard the expression 'five by five', but either telepathy or social cues let Carol know there was no need to explain. It wasn't really clear how she had come to that conclusion, but it felt confident.
Carol pressed on. I wish I were more clear-headed, sorry. Oops, um, my bad.
No worries. I still love you.
Carol jerked eyes open in surprise, but Rose was facing the other direction. Another packet of emotion had been sent, this one a subtly different flavor than the last.
It's a lot of responsibility for me, too, Carol complained with a jovial air. No offense. Was 'no offense' an apology?
You can handle it, said Rose, pushing a new feeling across, prodding at the connection once again. Carol realized that this was something else, a continuation of the lesson, and reluctantly opened her mind.
A sudden blast of energy assaulted her brain. Confidence. Trust. But something else: Carol herself, or the idea of her, somehow. It was as though Rose had drawn a portrait out of nothing but semantics. It depicted a well-meaning person, as she had said. Reasonably intelligent. Adaptive. Kind to strangers. Someone to be extra thankful for.
Wow, said Carol, she couldn't help but smile. Thanks.
It was probably the single nicest thing anyone had ever said to her, and it wasn't even something that could be expressed out loud.
Had she really tricked Rose into thinking that highly of her? Or could feelings be made unto lies as easily as words? What would Nic say after she told him what happened today?
You can try me, if you want. I can take it.
It's not that bad, said Carol. She tried to hold the idea of Rose in her mind, to double check if her response had been truthful. Was it? How do you do it?
The connections feel like locations now, don't they?
Um, kinda? I don't know.
Like the location of a body part.
Yes, Carol agreed, testing her sixth sense. That actually describes it very well.
Just think the thought at a connection. It's just like words, but you've already gotten used to hiding your feelings. Rose smirked with her mind. You're quite adept at that. You'd be good at mental combat.
Noted.
Carol concentrated on the image of Rose and pushed. The alien was kind. Smart. Carol was incredibly lucky to know her. It was a good thing her powers were probably being used for good. Recent developments suggested even more validity to those feelings and added empathetic depth. But Rose was also a giant question mark. Her kindness could be a mask. The stories could be lies. She was ugly and snake-like and untrustworthy, and what the hell did she have going on with Will? And she craved physical affection but her hands were so weird and calloused…
That was actually much better than I thought, Rose commented. Excellent job. Thank you.
Carol's heart sank. I'm so sorry, I don't know where that came from. She opened her eyes again to find Rose looking at her from a new seat.
Hey, stop that! said Rose, referring to the apology. Besides, there's nothing to be ashamed of. So your model of me isn't angelic? Big deal.
Rose turned one of her hands over, examining it.
I hate these hands too. You know that Time cover?
The close-up of Obama's human hand gripping Rose's in a shake? Yeah, Carol knew it. Everyone on the planet knew it.
Yeah.
They refused to use the angle that hid my thumbs. It painted our relationship in a better light to have the human side be more dominant. But what am I supposed to do about these nails?
She held both hands out to Carol, shrugging with her four thumbs.
Have you ever tried painting them? Carol suggested. It was a dumb idea, but it was the only thing she could think of. The digits had the appeal of four giant pinky toes. Doubling as heels for Rose's forelegs, they were covered in thick calluses.
It would look weird on me, wouldn't it?
Everything looks weird on you, said Carol, laughing a little.
Rose met her eyes, and Carol noted for the first time that dragon feelings really did feel more or less exactly like human ones.
The door to the classroom slammed open, making Carol jump.
Rose calmly closed her book and looked up.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Officer Barry. "Oh, Miss Ward, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware it was you here."
Would you mind translating for me, sweetie? Rose asked, leaping into the aisle. It's much more convenient than signing.
Sure, said Carol. Had they been doing something wrong?
"She said that she's, uh, discussing subject matter with one of her pupils, and get off of her lawn." Carol repeated out loud, regretting her decision already after watching Barry's eyes scrutinize her face.
"You know what I'm talking about, Miss Statton," said Barry.
"Um," said Carol. "She says she refuses to set a precedent of casually incriminating herself, so yes, you do have to say it."
Barry looked back and forth between Carol and Rose a couple times.
"It goes without saying that climbing on the roof, in plain view of the entire city, would be monumentally idiotic behavior on your part," said Barry.
Now it was Carol's turn to look at Rose. Maybe the alien really was a naïve teenager.
I would like to convey tonality, said Rose. Would you be willing to be a more direct mouthpiece?
He'll think I'm your puppet, won't he?
Very well.
Rose turned to Barry and made a violent series of gestures. Carol didn't speak sign language, but she could recognize anger when she saw it.
"That's exactly why I asked. You know how hard it is for me to explain things like this."
More gestures.
"I assumed you would be willing to give me a reason not to," he said. "Of course you want me to meet with him. I already told you, it won't work without–" he looked at Carol "–without a better deal."
Rose gestured again. Carol tried to interpret the signs, but they were too fast. She was starting to regret not agreeing to be in on whatever they were talking about.
"Given last week, they might agree, but it won't be coming from me. Listen, I would prefer to speak about this in private. You have a slot available at three today; I checked."
The dragon shook her head dramatically.
"Your plans have changed in the last twenty minutes?"
Rose made a single swiping gesture.
Barry pulled out a cell phone, but didn't turn on the screen yet.
"Hold on, the fact that you're making me check reveals the punchline. Ha ha, very funny. I'm amazed yet again by your foresight."
Rose made another couple motions with her hands. A question, maybe?
"Fine," said Barry. He opened up his phone and tapped a few buttons. Carol was shocked to hear him shout a brief "Ha!" in surprise and to see a wide smile spread across his face. "Alright, you got me. Three?"
Rose nodded, and made a sweeping motion with her hand that clearly said "shoo."
"Thank you, Miss Statton. No scandals until then. Please don't make my job any harder than it already is," he said. Seeming to remember Carol's presence, he hastily appended, "Good to see you too, Miss Ward. Let me know if the serpent gives you any trouble."
Carol turned to Rose as the door closed itself behind Barry to see the dragon rolling her eyes. Calling her the "the serpent" had been a surprise: only the crazy people who wanted Rose dead tended to use the term.
You climbed on the roof? she asked. And right after you had me convinced you weren't a crazy teenager.
It does look that way, doesn't it?
But you're not an idiot, I think. What were you doing?
It's difficult to explain. Will you be satisfied if I say that it's important that I look like a crazy teenager, in certain people's eyes?
Um, Carol said. She was in a position where she could reasonably demand information. Why would someone need to think Rose was a dumb teenager? Maybe if she needed to cover for a previous mistake? I don't know. That's a pretty bizarre explanation. Also, what was on his phone?
The phone thing I won't explain. Otherwise, I'm playing a sort of game with security and the university administration. That performance just set up a couple of meetings between certain players. Could you tell that Barry was acting along?
No, Carol hadn't had any idea what had transpired. She glanced around the ceiling of the classroom. It had been a performance? Were there cameras?
He's a good man, said Rose.
Carol returned her gaze to Rose, unsatisfied. Maybe Barry had a bodycam.
But you climbed on the roof? You could have been shot.
She was worried that had been a taboo subject, but Rose spoke up.
Only long enough to get attention from the right people. I wasn't in any danger, trust me. It was the inward side of the roof.
And that was the only way to achieve whatever it is you were doing?
How would you go about looking rebellious if you were a thirty pound dragon that was clearly designed to fly? Rose caught Carol's look, so she appended: Don't worry, I didn't break any tiles.
Carol continued staring at Rose, wondering how she might have felt if the dragon had been shot dead that morning. The past hour would never have happened, for one.
I can tell you value freedom, but… Carol faltered, afraid of what would happen it she said the words on her mind using telepathy. You told me you loved me right after risking your life for what sounds like pretty much nothing?
I swear to you, the handful of locations with line of sight on me – church towers, and whatnot – were covered by security, and I have ways of checking. I wouldn't put myself in real danger like that. Not with my legacy as it is.
Your legacy? You haven't done anything wrong, so far, said Carol. History won't have any reason not to like you.
Are you kidding? asked Rose. Politics have never been this polarized, and I'm not just referring to the United States.
You think that's your fault? asked Carol, but as soon as she asked she already knew the answer.
In part, probably. I had foolishly hoped my presence would unite the world, but of course that will never happen so long as people doubt me. What is my fault is the more immediate destruction I impose upon the lives of everyone around me. You know the story of my cousins?
Just that they don't talk to you?
Yes. My father and his sister hate each other now. She openly supports SGL. And look at the Stattons. If I were to be killed, I hate to think of what would happen to them.
It's not your fault, said Carol. I don't think you could do much about any of that.
I know. Some of it isn't. Anyway, please try to trust me on this. I'm not that insane.
Alright, said Carol, though her mind was still reeling. Maybe a reckless appearance was necessary if Rose actually felt she needed to do certain unreasonable things with ulterior motives, like escaping campus for a picnic, perhaps? As for the part about meetings, Carol could only wonder.
Good. Besides, it's almost seven. A little bird told me you should take a nap before today's class. I'll stay behind to prepare.
Carol glanced at the clock, which said they technically had five minutes left. Had she pressed too far? They certainly hadn't gone as far as they could have with the telepathy lesson. Although her connection to Rose had gone much wider than ever before, there was still room for more expansion. How much more, Carol had no idea.
"Okay. See you in class?" Carol asked out loud.
Rose nodded and shooed her just like she had with Barry.
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